What is Self-Compassion?
by Diane Linsley
Self-compassion is frequently misunderstood. Most people confuse
Self-compassion is not about taking bubble baths or buying gifts
for ourselves when we are feeling down. There's nothing wrong
with self-care. It's vitally important for our health and happiness.
But it's only one aspect self-compassion.
Some people indulge themselves with a treat every time they feel
unhappy. They sincerely believe they are doing the right thing, but
their problems never get solved, and the habit of indulging
themselves to escape from pain actually makes things worse in
the long run.
To define self-compassion, we first need to define the word
compassion. The roots of this word are com (meaning "with")
and passion (meaning "suffering"). Compassion means "to suffer with."
When we have compassion for someone, we are willing to suffer with them by being fully present and listening closely to what they need to express. We don't just tell them to think positive - with the implication that if they have negative thoughts, they will be punished by the universe with more bad stuff via the law of attraction. This is both offensive and untrue.
The first step toward self-compassion is to become aware of our own suffering and give it our full attention without turning away from the pain. I recommend doing the emotional healing process.
Self-Compassion and Self-Discipline
Self-compassion is not about trying to cover up, deny or avoid our suffering. Problems don't get solved by pretending they don't exist. We can't fix our relationships by getting a manicure. What do manicures have to do with relationships?
Fixing a relationship, or any other problem, requires that we first admit there is a problem. This initial stage of acceptance comes with painful feelings. It takes courage to face these feelings instead of trying to escape from them.
Then we have to figure out solutions. This may require us to learn new skills, seek for help, and do a lot of hard work. There's no easy way out. If only getting a manicure really worked!
As a mother who raised three children to adulthood, I know that compassion isn't always "nice." There were times when I had to discipline my children. I did this painful work because it was the most compassionate thing I could do for my kids. I wanted them to grow up to be responsible, happy adults.
And they did. Now in their twenties and thirties, my kids tell me how grateful they are for the way I raised them with compassion and discipline. Of course, they didn't thank me when they were teenagers!
Self-compassion means disciplining ourselves to do what we know we should do. That's more compassionate than indulging ourselves. Of course, we can still have the bubble bath :) It's important to care for the Inner Child. Self-compassion is about being a good parent to ourselves.
Self-Compassion for the Long Term
Mature self-compassion requires long-term thinking. What can you do today to solve your problems so they aren't still causing you suffering in the future? Buying yourself a gift might make you feel better today, but what about tomorrow?
The ability to think long-term develops from awareness. The more awareness you have, the further out into the future you can extend your imagination. You can see problems that may arise down the road and take steps today to prevent them.
Practicing Self-Compassion
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion means treating ourselves with the same kindness, care and understanding that we would offer to a friend when they suffer, fail, or feel inadequate.
Self-compassion means being our own best friend, especially during times of suffering. We are not just a fair-weather friend. We learn how to deal with the Inner Critic. We accept ourselves in spite of our weaknesses. We replace self-criticism with compassionate self-talk.
"A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life." ~Chris Germer
Chris Germer recommends taking self-compassion breaks throughout the day. You could assign something in your life to be a reminder. For example, every time you look in the mirror, you could take a moment to think a self-compassionate thought.
In my experience as a Christian, the most effective self-compassion exercise is prayer. There is simply no substitute for communing with God.
Here's a guided meditation for self-compassion.
Be well,
Diane Linsley
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