The Inner Critic
by Diane Linsley
You know that voice inside of you that says you are not worthy?
That you are flawed in some way? Maybe you are not smart
enough, beautiful enough, successful enough, popular enough....
Whatever it is, you are not enough.
That's the Inner Critic. It's not you, but a voice (a subpersonality)
that is posing as you. Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone, the creators of Voice Dialogue, say that dealing with the Inner Critic is the most important therapeutic work you will ever do.
The Inner Critic not only hurts us, but it can also mess up our relationships. It can prevent us from seeking out healthy relationships if we don't think we are worthy of love. Or it can cause us to criticize others the same way we criticize ourselves, damaging the relationships we already have.
The Origin of the Inner Critic
The voice of the Inner Critic was developed in childhood. It's a recording of the criticism we received from authority figures and peers. Unfortunately, it doesn't go away when we grow up. It stays with us, torturing us over and over, until we find ways to deal with it.
People who suffer from Complex PTSD from childhood abuse have a toxic Inner Critic. This type of Inner Critic can literally be deadly. The first time I tried to talk to my Inner Critic, it said it wanted me dead. Period.
In Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Pete Walker describes methods for dealing with the toxic Inner Critic. These methods help to restore a person's natural fight response that was crushed by adults who overpowered them in childhood and didn't allow them to develop healthy boundaries. Pete Walker's methods are a type of assertiveness training.
My favorite way to do Inner Critic work is with Voice Dialogue. With this method, the Inner Critic is ultimately transformed into a healthy, mature voice that can be negotiated with. I prefer this method because you cannot get rid of a voice, since all voices are natural parts of the human psyche. You can only transform the voice from immature to mature. All voices in their mature states are voices of Wisdom that can serve us.
After many years of working with my own Inner Critic, it is now a rational and reasonable voice that serves me well in helping me see how I can improve in all areas of my life. It only gets unreasonable during PTSD attacks, which are gradually becoming less severe and more manageable as I learn new ways of dealing with them.
For a better understanding of this voice, I recommend the Inner Critic recording by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone from Voice Dialogue International.
Voice Dialogue and the Inner Critic
The way to deal with the Inner Critic is to bring it out of the shadows of the unconscious mind and shine the light of awareness on it. Once we see it clearly, we have a choice of whether or not to believe it.
Voice Dialogue is best done with an experienced facilitator. The facilitator asks to speak to the voice of the Inner Critic, and the client speaks from the voice. The facilitator then asks several key questions, allowing the Inner Critic to express itself.
The purpose of this work is to separate from the voice of the Inner Critic - to see that it's just a voice, not who you really are. It's a great relief to find out that you don't really despise yourself.
Another reason to speak with the Inner Critic is to find out its motives. It usually has "good" reasons for criticizing you. These reasons may sound suspiciously like the reasons why your parents criticized you. The Inner Critic thinks it has to criticize you, or else you will grow up to be a failure.
One of the best questions to ask the Inner Critic is, "How old do you think I am?" The Inner Critic usually believes you are a child - no matter how old you are. It thinks its job is to protect a young child in a dangerous world.
Informing the Inner Critic of your current age shifts your relationship to this voice. Then you can start having an adult conversation with it.
The Job of the Inner Critic
Like all voices, the Inner Critic is just trying to do its job. When speaking with a voice, it is important to treat it with respect, even if you are having problems with it. But don't let it bully you! It's like talking with someone outside of you. You need to be assertive.
Subpersonalities are like real people inside of us. They each have their own unique perspective, and they are trying to serve us by doing the job for which they were created. When facilitating a voice, I always ask, "What is your job?"
The Inner Critic will sometimes say its job is to protect you from other people's criticism by criticizing you first. The Inner Critic also believes that you need to be criticized in order to feel motivated.
Unfortunately, neither of these tactics really works. So, what does work?
Self-Criticism or Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion researcher, Kristin Neff, says that self-compassion is far more effective at protecting and motivating us than self-criticism. Research shows that self-compassionate people are healthier, happier, more creative, and more satisfied with their lives.
Read this article to learn more about self-compassion.
The more we practice self-compassion, the less the Inner Critic feels the need to criticize. I also believe that it's more effective to heal the Inner Child than to spend a lot of time talking to the Inner Critic.
The Inner Critic protected us in childhood by making us conform to the demands of the adults in our lives and punishing us when we failed to conform. But that doesn't serve us as adults. It gets in the way of our individuation process.
Self-compassion is the key to healing the Inner Child. The first step is to notice self-criticism. Then we can switch from the voice of the Inner Critic to the voice of Self-Compassion. It's like changing the recording in our head. Just change the channel!
Talk to Yourself
Does it seem a little weird to talk to yourself? Success coach Brendon Burchard says that successful people use positive self-talk frequently. Studies show that it works best if you do it out loud. Brendon says that if you saw him backstage before he goes in front of an audience, you would observe him talking to himself, reassuring himself that he can do it. He is basically coaching himself.
I was happy to hear that because I've been talking to myself all my life. I used to feel embarrassed if someone overheard me, so I only did it when no one was looking. But I've been doing it with greater enthusiasm since I learned how beneficial it is.
Sometimes when I talk to myself, I say "we" instead of "you" or "I." For example, if I'm worried about something, I will say, "We're going to be okay. We can do this. We can figure this out." This gives me a sense of solidarity and friendship with myself.
Try different ways of talking to yourself, and see which one feels most comfortable.
Write to Yourself
You can start by making a list of things you like about yourself. State them in the second person, as if you were your own best friend. For example, I would write, "Diane, you are such a thoughtful person. You are sensitive and kind. You are smart and well-organized."
You might prefer to write in the first person: "I am such a thoughtful person. I am sensitive and kind. I am smart and well-organized." Either way is fine.
Pete Walker suggests memorizing your list of positive attributes and repeating them to yourself whenever you have an Inner Critic attack. Positive self-talk is part of the emotional healing process.
Don't put anything on the list that you don't actually believe. Too many positive affirmations, especially ones you don't currently believe, can cause cognitive dissonance. I once had client who came to me after experiencing a nervous breakdown from listening to positive affirmation recordings every day. I've always been suspicious of those recordings, and her experience confirmed my suspicions.
Going Deeper with the Inner Critic
When you feel strong enough, you can begin working directly with the Inner Critic.
Zen master Genpo Roshi says that all voices want to be heard because they have something to tell us and a job to do. Once a voice has its say, it calms down. When a voice expresses itself to a witnessing audience (you), it becomes more mature. Voices that are locked in the basement and not allowed to speak never have a chance to grow up.
I sometimes ask to speak to the voice of the Inner Critic to see what's going on inside of me that I'm not aware of. I imagine that I'm going into the dark basement of my unconscious mind with a flashlight to see what's down there so I can shine the light of awareness on it. The Inner Critic often acts out of fear, and I want to know what it's afraid of.
After hearing from the fearful, immature Inner Critic, I request that it calm down and do its job in a more mature and helpful way that's not abusive. I then ask to speak to the mature voice of the Inner Critic, which is a voice of Wisdom.
Once the Inner Critic is done speaking, I move on to the voice of Self-Compassion, which comforts me. From this voice, I remind myself of my good qualities, and I express love for myself.
As we work with our voices, they become more mature, and we develop a healthier relationship with them. Genpo Roshi says that all voices in their mature forms are enlightened inner guides.
Dealing with Criticism from Others
Over time, I have gotten faster at recognizing the Inner Critic, and I feel less intimidated by it. Sometimes it appears in dreams, as I wrote about in Coping with Chronic Illness.
Sometimes it appears as other people. I've noticed that I only feel hurt by the critical comments of others when they match my own negative beliefs about myself. The outer critics we encounter in the world are just reflections of our own Inner Critic.
When you change your relationship with the Inner Critic, the outer world will naturally shift to reflect your more positive inner world. Before doing my work, the Inner Critic was the magnet that attracted critical people into my life. After developing self-compassion, those people vanished, and now I attract people who are more compassionate. What a relief!
The Inner Critic and Conscience
Some New Age teachers say we should completely get rid of the Inner Critic - that it has no place in our lives. I disagree. A mature Inner Critic is very valuable. I think of it as a voice that represents my conscience.
One of the core New Age deceptions is there is no sin, and anything you want to do is fine as long as you are "loving." This is obviously anti-Christian.
A toxic, abusive Inner Critic is destructive and needs to be reformed. Conscience, on the other, is God's gift to us. It guides us throughout our lives. The more we listen to it and follow its counsel, the more sensitive we become to the Holy Spirit. The more we ignore it and push it away, the more we drift away from God until we can no longer distinguish good from evil.
Whether you call it conscience or the mature Inner Critic, this is one voice I would never want to lose.
Here's an Inner Child healing meditation.
Be well,
Diane Linsley
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