Compassionate Self-Talk
by Diane Linsley
Compassionate self-talk is both a practice and a natural outcome
of self-compassion. It involves talking to ourselves in the way we
would talk to someone whom we love and support.
You can think of compassionate self-talk as the opposite of the
Inner Critic. Most of us practice self-criticism way too much. We
need to train ourselves to be more compassionate.
Overcoming Negative Emotions
Compassionate self-talk can be used to transform any negative
emotion. Here's an example of how I used it to overcome fear.
1. Admit that you are fearful. "I'm feeling fearful about leading the
group. Even though I know what I'm doing, I still feel nervous."
2. Now switch to the voice of Self-Compassion. Reflect back the feelings, and reassure yourself that it's normal under the circumstances. "I understand that you are feeling anxious. It's normal to feel this way. Lots of people feel nervous when speaking in front of groups."
3. Reframe the situation in a positive light. "Your nervousness shows how much you care about people, and you want to do a good job."
4. Give yourself encouragement. "You are a good person with lots of knowledge to share. I know you'll be fine. You're always learning new things and getting better at communicating with others."
5. Now switch back to speaking in the first person, and express positive feelings. "I'm excited to have this opportunity. I'm grateful for my job because it gives me lots of opportunities for personal growth."
Notice how this seems to be a conversation between two different people. It starts with the "I" who is feeling fearful, followed by the person who is giving encouragement, and then ends with the "I" who is now feeling more positive.
You can use this basic format for any emotion - fear, sadness, anger, shame, confusion or frustration.
Mirror Practice
One of my favorite ways to practice compassionate self-talk is to say something nice to myself every time I look in the mirror. Here's a simple practice:
1. Look into your own eyes.
2. Say something kind or encouraging.
3. Do this for the rest of your life :)
When I go into a public restroom, I often find myself observing how other women look at themselves in the mirror (if they look at all). It saddens me when I see a woman frowning at herself. I can almost hear the critical voice in her head.
When we are aware of our inner voices, we can control them. Before the days of Holosync meditation, I felt like I was going insane from the constant attacks from a toxic Inner Critic. Meditation raised my awareness and reduced the anxiety. Then I used Voice Dialogue to work with the Inner Critic until it became a helpful voice, rather than an abusive voice.
Compassion for Everyone
If we have a toxic Inner Critic, it will be projected onto other people, and we will find ourselves criticizing and shaming others. We will also be victims of other people's Inner Critic attacks that are projected onto us. Self-compassion is essential for ending codependency and developing healthy boundaries.
The way you talk to yourself affects how you communicate with others. Compassionate self-talk is a way to train yourself to communicate more compassionately. A person who is at peace with their self will be at peace with everyone.
Here's a Loving Kindness meditation. It is based on the traditional Buddhist practice called Metta Bhavana. Studies show that Metta meditation increases compassion and improves brain function.
Be well,
Diane Linsley
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