Soulmate Dynamics

Soulmate Dynamics

by Diane Linsley

This is a more lighthearted article than most I've written. I'm still

not sure if I believe in the idea of soulmates, although I am sure

that most of what people say about it is nonsense. This article

explores some of the more useful concepts.

After my divorce, I was introduced to the idea of soulmates by my

life coach. I was resistant to the idea because my marriage had

been such a huge disappointment that I'd given up on romantic

notions of love many years before.

My coach insisted that she was married to her soulmate. They'd been together for 30 years, and they still loved each other. So I started researching the topic and working on my dating life.

It took 4 years and a lot of painful experiences, but I eventually met a wonderful man, who is now my husband. In retrospect, I see that I had to become more mature before I was match to a loving man. You can read more about this in my articles Serious Dating Advice and What is True Love?

What is a Soulmate?

Most people think that a soulmate is a romantic partner. Actually, a soulmate can be in any type of relationship with you - as a friend, parent, child or sibling. Soulmates are people with whom you feel a deep connection and have many growth-promoting experiences.

New Age narcissism would have you believe that your perfect soulmate is someone who always agrees with you and boosts your ego. That's fine if you want to live in the hell of narcissism.

A true love relationship is about helping you overcome your ego and progress on the spiritual path. Since growth is often painful, these relationships are not always peaceful and quiet. When you ask for a soulmate to come into your life, you are asking for your map of reality to be ripped up. You are asking for your ego to be exposed. You are asking for your life to be changed. Be careful what you ask for :)

In the coaching academy, we were required to read a book called Soul Love by Sanaya Roman. This book describes three types of soulmates, which are identified as younger, older, and same-age souls. This is in relation to your own soul age, which is your level of spiritual maturity. You could also think of it as your level of cognitive development, which I find to be a more useful map. Let's take a closer look at what Sanaya Roman says, since this is a popular book in the New Age.

Younger Soulmates

There are both positive and negative aspects to being in a relationship with a younger soul. Sanaya Roman says, "Being a teacher can be very rewarding when the younger soul is willing to grow and wants to learn from you. If the younger soul does not want to change or grow, you will most likely feel drained and frustrated. ... If someone's soul age is a great deal younger than yours, you may expend much energy with few results."

Working with younger souls teaches you patience, compassion and forgiveness. It's an opportunity to overcome codependency and develop healthy boundaries.

On the downside, "Younger souls sometimes feel threatened by older souls, and may try to reduce an older soul's confidence and personal power to feel better about themselves."

That's a mild way of describing it. Some younger souls are narcissistic. Narcissists don't have relationships - they take prisoners. A younger soul may be infatuated with an older soul, but he may also be jealous of the older soul. So he tries to pull down the older soul to his own level. The younger soul may be passive-aggressive or even aggressive in his efforts to control the older soul.

Of course, not all younger souls are like that. Some are good students and a joy to teach.

Sanaya's final warning: "If you decide to join with a younger soul, be certain that this person wants what you have to offer and is receptive to change and growth. When this is the case, you can find it very rewarding to be with a younger soul and watch this person evolve."

An older soul who doesn't know who she is, or who suffers from low self-esteem from past trauma, may allow herself to be abused, while mistakenly believing that she is being patient and kind. You can imagine how many lessons the older soul will need to learn in this situation.

Same-Age Soulmates

What about same-age soulmates? Is that a better choice?

Sanaya Roman says, "There is a potential for great joy as well as for intense conflicts in a same-age soul relationship. ... The degree to which you love youself will determine your ability to love the other person, who will be reflecting back to you many of your own personality traits and qualities. A same-age soul relationship has the potential for being very intimate, for knowing the other can be like knowing yourself. You will need to be vulnerable and allow another person into your heart. You will want to love what you have considered unlovable in yourself."

Same-age soulmates are often working on similar issues. I enjoy this type of relationship with my best friends. As quickly as we discover new things, we share them with each other. Even our dreams often correlate and are relevant to the other person.

When two soulmates are working on the same issues, they may trigger each other's shadow material. My friends are a mirror to me. I first learned to love myself by loving them, which eventually led to becoming a self-compassion coach.

Older Soulmates

Older souls have a more mature spirituality, and they can be good teachers. Younger souls may not recognize the love of an older soul because there is less attachment in it.

Sanaya Roman says, "Older souls are often able to detach from personality reactions, offering you a more impersonal, wise love. This might not always be comfortable to you."

Mature love doesn't look like love to a younger soul who wants more drama. And from the perspective of the older soul, the younger soul is like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. This reminds me of the clients who tell me that good men bore them, and they are only attracted to narcissists. They want drama.

Old souls can be recognized by their wisdom and compassion. They often devote their lives to service. They can be found serving others in all sorts of capacities, sometimes with little reward. As Jesus told his disciples, "He that is greatest among you shall be your servant." (Matthew 23:11)

Every soul has a unique journey. Humility means accepting our own journey and appreciating other souls for the roles they play in our lives. A teacher cannot be a teacher without students.

At some point, the line between teacher and student blurs. The best student is the one who learns the most in the relationship. Old souls are good students because they learn from every situation and every person they meet.

We are all on the path of development. Wherever you are on the path, there are people who are more advanced and others who are less advanced.

Attracting a Soulmate

There is an idea in the New Age that you can attract a soulmate. Is that really possible?

Well, as I said at the beginning, I went through 4 years of hard work and painful experiences before I met my husband. With my professional coach training, it should have happened a lot faster if the law of attraction really worked. I had to give up egoic control and learn to focus on true spiritual growth before I was a match to a loving man.

I don't care for any of the popular books on how to attract a soulmate. They are about the ego, not the soul. That always ends badly. I believe that soulmates come into our lives to challenge us so we can continue learning and growing.

Everyone has a threshold for how much love they can tolerate. Soulmate relationships push against this threshold, raising it over time so we can experience more love. When the initial infatuation of a new relationship wears off, the real work of love begins.

Each soulmate challenges us in different ways. My current thinking is that we don't attract the person. We attract the lessons that our soul needs to learn. These lessons show up in the form of the people in our lives. Our egos don't know what we need to learn. Only God knows.

The idea of attracting someone is one of the ego's narcissistic fantasies. It denies the freedom of the other individual and the power of God. I believe that people come into our lives with God's timing. The right soulmate is the one who helps us learn our lessons.

You can be married to the same person for 50 years and still be learning all sorts of new things. I've only been married to my new husband for a few years, but each year brings new challenges as we both continue to progress. We are a "match made in heaven" because we have so much to learn together.