Relationship Endings
by Diane Linsley
People who do a lot of personal growth work often have the
experience of friends suddenly vanishing from their life. This can be
disconcerting, especially if they don't understand why it happened.
Some years ago, three friends suddenly departed from my life.
Having three people disappear all at once is a little scary for an
introvert who doesn't have a ton of friends to start with. I wondered if I had done something wrong.
I had many good experiences with these friends, and I thought the relationships would last much longer. So I was mystified. As I was contemplating the situation, I felt inspired to go to my bookshelf, pick up a book, and turn to a random page. Here's what I read:
"When souls have natural resonance, they simply appear to each other. When the resonance changes, they disappear. Relationships are always mutually created and dissolved. ... You can rest assured that if your soul wants someone to appear, it's going to happen. ... But the reverse is also true: if your soul doesn't need a connection, no amount of positive affirmations will make it happen.
"If the vibration of your field changes, as it might after a spiritual breakthrough, certain people cannot occur in your field anymore, unless they have a matching breakthrough, and they will likely disappear." ~Penney Peirce, Frequency: The Power of Personal Vibration
I thought back over the previous year, and I realized that I was no longer the same person. When I told my life coach about this realization, she agreed. I said, "Now I understand why those friends disappeared. I could feel them gradually slipping out of my reality, so I wasn't really surprised. I guess they are no longer a match. I've changed too much."
This is the risk of personal growth. My soul requires that I continue on, even if it means losing friendships that are no longer suitable. That doesn't mean I don't love my friends, or they don't love me. There's just a feeling of "It's over, and it's okay."
Those friends came into my life when I needed them most - when I was preparing for my divorce. They supported me through that period of growth. But now we are taking separate paths. So I let them go with gratitude and a feeling of awe for how souls come together and separate at just the right time.
Vibrational Dissonance
Clinging to people who are trying to leave just creates bad feelings. If you try to keep a relationship going by giving up your needs in order to please the other person, you'll make yourself miserable. Eventually, you'll be so unhappy that you will be the one who wants to leave.
Separation may be inevitable, but suffering is a choice. I learned this lesson at the end of my marriage. Nine months passed between the day I realized that divorce was inevitable and the day I accepted this fact and began to make preparations.
During those nine months, the pain continued to increase. It wasn't until I developed ulcers, waking up in the middle of the night with horrendous pain, that I realized I was going to die if I didn't let go. When we resist doing what our soul requires us to do, we can end up with physical symptoms or depression.
Energetic pain can be caused by the dissonance between two personal vibrations that are not in harmony. Energy-sensitive people may experience the vibrational dissonance of disharmonious relationships as physical pain or illness. The pain is a warning sign telling us that we need to either improve a basically good relationship or leave a destructive one.
The Purpose of Relationships
In The Seven Levels of Intimacy, Matthew Kelly says, "Relationships only make sense in relation to the overall purpose of your life. ... Every relationship, however formal or casual, long lasting or fleeting, is an opportunity for the people involved to further their essential purpose by becoming the-best-version-of-themselves."
Every relationship has something to contribute to your growth. You may be in a relationship with a person who is your opposite in many ways. This creates conflict, and you may never understand each other, but the relationship helps to bring balance to your life. It may be helping you to integrate your shadow material. When you realize that your soul intentionally chose the relationship in order to learn important lessons, there's no blame.
As a Christian, I believe that God brings people into my life for the sake of learning and growth on both sides. It never fails to amaze me how the right people appear at just the right time. Sometimes I don't understand the purpose of the relationship until years after it ends.
Penney Peirce says, "When the soul is finished, it's finished. There's no accounting for why the amount of time was spent. ... Some invisible marker point is reached, and one person shifts out of attunement and resonance with the old vibrational pattern. ... Often, the one who shifted out progresses quickly toward their destiny. The irony is the other person simultaneously made the same decision to move on but doesn't consciously realize it and often feels like a victim."
That sounds familiar. I was persecuted for initiating the divorce, even though it was obvious that my ex-husband wanted it, too. After the divorce, my personal growth took off like a rocket, while he stayed behind pretending to be a victim. Now, years later, I look at him and can't believe I was married to him. We have nothing in common, except for the children. But I learned many lessons during the 26-year marriage, which I am grateful for. I'm now in a happy marriage with a kind man who is good for me.
An Enlightening Dream
When I was going through the divorce, I had a dream in which I was wandering through a swamp. My future self (a slightly older woman) was walking in front of me, and my past self (a young girl) was walking behind me.
I became lucid during the swamp scene, and I asked my future self to get us out of there. We left the swamp, and we came to a fork in the road. On the right side was a long, meandering path along a beach. I knew it would take a long time to get to our destination if we went that route, but it would be easy. Or we could take a hard and fast shortcut. We chose the shortcut.
My future self led me up a steep mountain. It was an exhausting climb. When we came to the top, we entered a dark tunnel. I was frightened, and I questioned her. She said, "This is the fastest way to get to where we are going. Don't stop. Just keep running, and hold on tight!"
I grabbed her hand, and I held on to the hand of the little girl behind me. Then we started running through the dark tunnel. As we ran, we passed a closed door on one side. I could see light through the cracks in the doorway, and I heard the voices of people on the other side. I wanted to join the party, but we couldn't stop. We had to keep running through the dark tunnel. I could barely see a light at the end of the tunnel, which gave me hope.
After this dream, I felt more courageous about moving forward. Courage isn't a lack of fear. It's doing what you have to do, in spite of the fear. I also knew that I needed to take care of my Inner Child.
The soul's purpose for all relationships is spiritual growth. The ego has lots of stories, and it doesn't like to admit that there are forces outside its control that are operating. If we seek for God's guidance, we can feel the peace of knowing that everything will come right in the end.
Here's a relationship meditation that might help.
Be well,
Diane Linsley
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